02 April 2020 04:15
Day 17 of Lockdown

This prompt…doesn’t do anything to help stop the wandering, insane thoughts I’m currently having at four in the morning. This prompt is the very thing I do my best to ignore. This prompt always does more damage than good. This prompt is the key to my Pandora’s box.

But what the heck. It’s almost four-thirty in the morning, and I can’t fall asleep. I might as well talk about a little bit of what’s been gnawing at me for the longest time.

What if I was living the life that I wanted?
What if I knew I had the liberty to choose what I truly wanted to do?
What if I didn’t feel like I had a “predetermined future” set right in front of my face?

These are my biggest what if’s. I’m not taking anything for granted — I’m more than blessed and grateful to be able to have this life, to be healthy and alive, even. But for the past two years, there have been so many times that I would have these reoccurring thoughts. The answers remain a mystery to me.

I don’t want to talk about how I’ve been dealing with these thoughts, on the account of fearing what others might say. At this point, the last thing I need is a lecture about life. About being happy and content with where the heck I’m at in life. About how fortunate I am. For once, I just want to hear and feel that these thoughts are valid, that it’s normal to be feel lost and scared for the second stinking year in a row, that everything will eventually fall into place.

I’m tired. But sleep won’t come. 😦

PS. I just noticed that I’ve been getting so personal so lately? Sorry.