My thoughts have been all over the place today. I haven’t exactly cleared them out yet, I haven’t actually sat down and addressed these thoughts. But right now, I’m going to attempt to write about them — I’ve discovered that when I’m really bothered and there’s literally no sense of peace within me, I’m actually able to write. (No I’m not a writer at all, and I’ve never been that lit class loving student all my life).
What’s driving me crazy is the reality that it is so hard to accept the fact that the things we really want aren’t the things we really need. I mean that’s basically it. I’m conflicted, I’m trying to make a decision without looking at every angle all because I know that every angle will make me sacrifice something.
I’m stuck. The thing I really want to do (I’ll call it bud) — the thing I’ve always wanted to do, seems so difficult to reach but I know that if I actually put my mind and heart to it, I’d be able to achieve it. I’m always, always stopped by the thought that maybe I’ll just get laughed at, maybe I’ll fail, maybe nobody will support me. I know those thoughts aren’t even supposed to be given attention but they’re pretty hard to ignore.
The second one, which I’ll refer to as bam and sam are the things that I really need to do. I don’t exactly want to, but bam and sam need to be done sooner or later. But choosing to do bam and sam soon means I will be sacrificing at least three significant things in my life, and truth be told I’m not ready for that. And honestly, there’s no other way, I feel like there’s no gray area here.
But what if we were able to do both things we want and need at the same time? What if it was okay to do bud and bam and sam all at the same time? What if I didn’t have to choose? What if I could do all three without having to compromise anything?
That’s the dream, I guess. I know it’s not possible, I know life doesn’t work that way. (insert all quotes about life being hard and unfair here)
But you know maybe, it’s my fault too. Because I’m a coward, because I keep taking the safest route possible, because I keep feeding those stupid voices in my head instead of beating them, shutting them up. Bottomline is, being brave isn’t always so easy.
Everything will eventually be okay, everything will eventually fall into place but I guess right now, the first thing I need to do is start believing.